Red Wine Isn’t That Special
Red Wine Isn’t That Special The only reason to drink red wine is so that you can tell people you drink red wine. Regardless of the wines bouquet, nose, colour, oaky undertones or whatever the fuck the liars that drink it might tell you, red wine just isn’t that special. Red wine does exactly the […]
Finding Meaning in a Life of Distraction: An Essay
I’ve been meaning to get around to writing this, but I keep getting distracted.
Where the fuck is my Ferrari?
Where the fuck is my Ferrari? “Where the fuck,” I ask myself, “is my Ferarri?” I didn’t actually own a Ferrari at that point, so the question was more rhetorical than anything. But seriously. All the reels on Instagram are telling me there are billions of millions of dollars out there somewhere, and I can’t […]
Why my refusal to join the coffee round in the office will get me fired
Why my refusal to join the coffee round in the office will get me fired So, welcome to the team! Just so you know, the bathrooms are down the hall to the left. Here is the staff break room. We have everything you’ll need. A kettle, a toaster, and two microwaves. We used to just […]
The Tale of Old Fudmore
The Tale of Old Fudmore Deep in the magical woods of Firwindwhere squirrels have ample nuts,there lived a family of witchesin small round wooden huts. Each night they would all gatherand whisper their naughty spells,mixing their potions togetherand making some awful smells! But deeper still within the woodsthere was a deep dark hole.And in this […]
Overly Specific Help Wanted Ads
Overly Specific Help Wanted Ads Hairdresser Wanted: I am looking for a new hairdresser. Someone else used to do it but they don’t do it anymore, regardless of how nicely I ask. So I am now looking for a feisty hairdresser packed with sass. Preferably she will let me come to her house and will […]
Haikus about what I did with my day today
Haikus about what I did with my day today 1. My goldfish has diedso I held a funeral –My cat dug him up 2. I ate my lunch:Chicken, broccoli and ricethen went back to work 3. Thinking about Ralph.He was a lovely goldfish.Taken too early. 4. I have spent some time –a lot of my […]
Hard Time with Best Friends
Hard Time with Best Friends “When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out.” Groucho Marx is telling a reporter through the glass of the prisons visiting room, a black telephone pressed to his ear, “A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying; damn, that was […]
The Man Left on the Moon
The Man Left on the Moon The space race had reached its climax. The Russian embassy had been left for dust by the superior United States of America. Their Prime Minister had recently addressed the nation of Russia proclaiming that if the Americans were going to land on the moon, they were to colonise Mars. […]
Goldilocks & The 3 Bears (Reimagined)
Goldilocks & The 3 Bears (Reimagined) A beautiful young blonde girl skipped through a field of wheat. In years to come she may grey and become an inept Prime Minister, at which point she would fondly reminisce on these care-free, and apparently parent-free days. Alas, it seemed unlikely. Someone already did that. Nonetheless, onward she […]