So, welcome to the team!

Just so you know, the bathrooms are down the hall to the left.

Here is the staff break room. We have everything you’ll need. A kettle, a toaster, and two microwaves.

We used to just have one microwave but if you’re going to microwave fish please use the one to the left. Sharon cooked some salmon in that one once so now we have two microwaves.

Anyway; coffee, tea, and sugar are all here by the kettle and milk is in the refrigerator. We provide the milk and caffeine. A little perk of the job, ha, ha.

Mine’s a coffee, milk and two sugars, but you’ll find a dogged and stained list sellotaped to the wall with everybodies orders on. Don’t forget to add yours on there. What is it? A milky tea? Okay. Well, go ahead and scribble down your name and order, that way whoever is making a drink can make you one, too.

That’s how we do it here. Whether you like it or not.

If you’re thirsty, you have to offer everyone a coffee and make it for them in their own cup. The cups are really easy to remember because everyone likes to display their personality with quirky slogans. Funny stuff like ‘Don’t talk to me until my second coffee’, or ‘Definitely not Gin’, ha, ha. They’re a right bunch. 

Word of warning: I wouldn’t get any orders wrong if I were you. They’ll eat you alive.

While I’m thinking about it, you’ll need a cup. Have you brought one?

Well for today you can use one of the spare cups in the cupboard, but I’d give one a rinse if I were you. People here don’t seem to be able to wash anything properly. I shudder to imagine what their draining boards look like at home. Probably covered in pieces of wet tuna and soggy flakes of cereal if this place is anything to go by.

You could try telling people that you’ll just make your own, sure, but it’s never worked before. If history has taught me anything it’s that the girls will all talk about you behind your back and Sophie will lick all the teaspoons again.

It’s just not part of the culture we’ve created here. It’s such a family feel here, and families make each other coffee. It’s such a warm, friendly atmosphere here. The company feels very strongly that if we keep telling people it’s a family then maybe people will start believing it.

I don’t make coffee by the way because I’m middle management, so I expect my cup to be refilled pretty regularly. It helps me feel powerful and important without threatening my feelings of inadequacy having only made it up one rung of the corporate ladder before stagnating at almost the precise time my wife gave birth to our first born son. Plus, it is the only thing that gets me through the day! Ha, ha.

If you’re not willing to make the coffee then I suggest you make this your last day here, because if you make a coffee for yourself and nobody else your life won’t be worth living.