Scott Davies

Overly Specific Help Wanted Ads

Hairdresser Wanted: I am looking for a new hairdresser. Someone else used to do it but they don’t do it anymore, regardless of how nicely I ask. So I am now looking for a feisty hairdresser packed with sass. Preferably she will let me come to her house and will shout at her husband while cutting my hair in her pyjamas. Must tolerate small amounts of incredibly personal attacks and oversharing of intimate details.

Wanted: Cleaner: Cleaner required to help elderly gentleman. May get handsy. Means no harm, it’s just how men used to be in the old days.

Kind Lady Sought to Stop Dog Chewing: My little furbaby needs a good walk every day but unfortunately I work part-time at the doctors surgery and have a bad knee. I am looking for a kind lady to walk my dog. She will occasionally chew furniture, so people with prosthetics need not (probably best not) apply.

Window Cleaner with Good Eyesight Wanted: I am looking for a window cleaner to clean my window and watch me eat my dinner. Will require good eyesight, as I eat my dinner while hiding under my bed sheets. Window Cleaner MUST be 18+. Preferably married with GSOH.

Gardener Required to Take Me Roughly in the Greenhouse: Lonely widower seeks gardener who has abdominal muscles and is willing to do things to me in the potting shed that are normally reserved for erotica novels. Must own their own equipment.

Child-Friendly Mobile Valet Needed: Mobile valet required for disgusting family car. Car is a 2004 Kia Carens. 47,000 miles, interior 80% Pringles. Car seats cannot be removed due to sticky mess beneath having welded them to the upholstery. Will require own HazMat suit and be good with kids.

Extra, Extra.