INT. LIBRARY. DAYTIME

GEOFF is standing in the centre of a library, shelves of books surrounding him. The library is empty with the exception of a small, elderly lady sitting behind the main desk.

GEOFF:
(Screaming directly into the camera)

Do you like to read? Do you? Do you LIKE it?

Geoff leans in closer to the camera.

GEOFF:
(Screaming)

You say you like to read! Oh, reading is great! “I read to my kids every bedtime!” Yeah? Well we librarians don’t believe you. And if I have to read another Tweet telling everyone how important reading is for children, and I check your library record and you haven’t been here for OVER TWO YEARS I’m going to come for you, Sandra. I’m going to stalk you like a dear and I’m going to gut your children in front of you. And I’m going to make you watch. I’m going to read them a collection of Haiku, then I’m going to gut them whilst you watch. And then when I’ve finished with them, I’m going to read to you SANDRA. I’m going to read the entire Autobiography of Richard Branson to you, and then I’m going to BURY YOU ALIVE.

LIBRARIAN:

Shh!

GEOFF:
(Screaming, turning to the librarian)

Shush? Me? Me shush? Shush yourself! Look at you. Old and baggy. It’s no wonder nobody comes down here, is it? I’m sure you used to be absolutely beautiful. But time hasn’t been kind to you, has it? Where’s the SEX APPEAL? Where’s the EYE CANDY?

GEOFF turns back to the camera.

GEOFF:

I swear to God, if you people don’t start coming down to the library…

GEOFF grabs a book from the shelf next to him and opens it, revealing that the interior of the book has been hollowed out and replaced with a revolver.

GEOFF:

…I won’t be held accountable for my actions.

The library door slides open and YOUNG MOTHER with SON enter. GEOFF turns to face them.

GEOFF:
(Screaming, waving the pistol at the family)

What do you want? And don’t you dare say Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s FUC–

White noise covers the screen, and the advertisement ends.