Red Wine Isn’t That Special

Red Wine Isn’t That Special The only reason to drink red wine is so that you can tell people you drink red wine. Regardless of the wines bouquet, nose, colour, oaky undertones or whatever the fuck the liars that drink it might tell you, red wine just isn’t that special. Red wine does exactly the […]
Finding Meaning in a Life of Distraction: An Essay

I’ve been meaning to get around to writing this, but I keep getting distracted.
Where the fuck is my Ferrari?

Where the fuck is my Ferrari? “Where the fuck,” I ask myself, “is my Ferarri?” I didn’t actually own a Ferrari at that point, so the question was more rhetorical than anything. But seriously. All the reels on Instagram are telling me there are billions of millions of dollars out there somewhere, and I can’t […]
Why my refusal to join the coffee round in the office will get me fired

Why my refusal to join the coffee round in the office will get me fired So, welcome to the team! Just so you know, the bathrooms are down the hall to the left. Here is the staff break room. We have everything you’ll need. A kettle, a toaster, and two microwaves. We used to just […]
The Tale of Old Fudmore

The Tale of Old Fudmore Deep in the magical woods of Firwindwhere squirrels have ample nuts,there lived a family of witchesin small round wooden huts. Each night they would all gatherand whisper their naughty spells,mixing their potions togetherand making some awful smells! But deeper still within the woodsthere was a deep dark hole.And in this […]
Overly Specific Help Wanted Ads

Overly Specific Help Wanted Ads Hairdresser Wanted: I am looking for a new hairdresser. Someone else used to do it but they don’t do it anymore, regardless of how nicely I ask. So I am now looking for a feisty hairdresser packed with sass. Preferably she will let me come to her house and will […]
Haikus about what I did with my day today

Haikus about what I did with my day today 1. My goldfish has diedso I held a funeral –My cat dug him up 2. I ate my lunch:Chicken, broccoli and ricethen went back to work 3. Thinking about Ralph.He was a lovely goldfish.Taken too early. 4. I have spent some time –a lot of my […]
Stolen fitness, or, how to feel shame and regret on a running track

Stolen fitness, or, how to feel shame and regret on a running track Last night I did something I’ve never done before. I stole fitness. A few minutes drive from my house there is a running track on the grounds of a council-owned gym. I’ve been eyeing it up for a few weeks now and […]
Top 5 Stand-Up Comedians of All Time

Top 5 Stand-Up Comedians of All Time Stand-up comedy has been a lifelong obsession for me. From learning and repeating jokes from an old, dusty joke book, to spending evenings upon evenings scouring the Internet for the next comedian to watch. I have spent countless hours sat alone in the dark laughing at the opinion […]
Top 5 Sitcoms of All Time

The Top 5 Sitcoms of All Time Growing up I spent a lot of time alone in my bedroom for, well, reasons. What I liked to do in the privacy of my own bedroom is mostly none of your business, but what I don’t mind talking about is how much I loved watching sitcoms. Back […]